Own Your Relationships
Justin is back with the fourth of the eight pillars of High Performance Living.
When I Was 25 Years Old, It Appeared I Had Everything Together.
I had graduated with a master's degree in Exercise Physiology from the University of Louisville, was running the sports performance program at Miami University in Ohio for the men's Division 1 hockey team, had a flourishing business in Florida, and was involved in a myriad of other things.
My girlfriend and I had just moved in together and we got married that summer, right before the season began. I seemingly had my dream job, which I put my heart and soul into. The training facility was brand new; in fact, I had the privilege of designing and equipping it, despite being the youngest strength coach in a college program. I spoke at major conferences about what I was doing at Miami and different NHL teams began to express an interest. I loved my life.
The team ended up having a championship season. We won the conference and competed in the NCAA tournament. The previous five years of pursuing a career in hockey had come to fruition. I was consumed with my career by the same unyielding determination that got me there.
I was excelling in my career, but my relationships were suffering—with my wife, family, friends, and colleagues. I chose not to attend weddings, funerals, birthdays, holidays, and other milestones that are just unacceptable to miss. I justified it by saying it was the sacrifice required to be successful.
My wife had a 40-minute commute to work each day. Suddenly, at least it seemed sudden to me, she began spending a couple of nights a week in the city where she worked. She explained that when I was on a road trip, it reduced the amount of driving she had to do. Besides, I wasn't even home. Later I came to realize others were giving her the attention that I wasn't. Our life together deteriorated until the day she said she was leaving me. I was thrown into a tailspin because I was so busy with my work and building my career that I didn't see it coming.
In hindsight, we both could have done many things differently and perhaps we could have salvaged our marriage. However, that's why hindsight is 20/20.
I Discovered When a Vital Relationship In Your Life Is Broken, It Can Affect You Physically And Emotionally To The Point Of Desperation.
I used the example of a significant other, but this is far too common with friends, immediate family, children, and mentors.
I had some injuries from hockey that caused persistent discomfort, and the emotional pain of my failed relationship seemed to exacerbate it. I began to self-medicate by taking opiates to dull both the emotional and physical pain. It doesn't make either go away, but it helped me to tolerate them. You know all the stories in the news about the dangers of getting addicted to opiates... They're true.
I was living alone in our family home with my two awesome dogs, Harlee, a golden lab/retriever mix, and Chance, a German shepherd/golden lab mix. We had been renting the house and the owners decided to sell it. I was going to have to move and, in the town of Oxford where Miami University was, housing was limited. I felt like my world was falling apart.
I ended up finding a one-bedroom house in this barely salvageable property. It was temporary, not my home, so I didn't unpack anything. I put all I had in one room and left it. This all happened in June after the hockey season was over, so it was a slow time at work. I had a few college and NHL players returning to train with me, but it was nothing like the constant flow of players I had around me from fall to spring. I was taking so many pills every day that I would come home and pass out. My network of players and staff was on summer break and I hadn't established other friendships in the area. My wife was gone. It was getting to the point where I could barely get out of bed and my only motivation was to work with the guys.
Then one normal day I came home and self-medicated with my usual dosage and passed out, just hoping the time would pass. When I woke up, both my dogs were curled up on my shoulders, their heads on my chest, just looking at me. It was like they were saying, “What the hell are you doing? We need you.”
I went cold turkey on the pills right there. I knew I needed a change, and that required action. That action and focus on righting my ship eventually led me to California to work in the Anaheim Ducks organization. The sad irony is I had to leave the two that saved my life behind. Thankfully, Harlee and Chance were adopted by an awesome family and they are still with them today.
My work and personal experience at Miami University taught me how essential relationships are. Since leaving home at 18, I hadn' t made many solid relationships other than with my immediate family. Coaches and teammates came and went, especially while working in the NHL as players were traded, moved to the farm team, or were cut. That is the nature of sports, and not until I was removed from that environment did I come to appreciate the value of establishing and nurturing relationships in my life.
What do you think of when you hear the word “relationship?” Most commonly, we think of family — husband and wife, kids, parents, grandparents, cousins, etc. If you're in work mode when asked the question, you might think of your partners, mentors, vendors, employees, and co-workers. Others would include the friends you hang out with. Relationships present themselves in many forms. When you interact with another person on a semi-regular basis, you have a relationship and it can bring significant meaning and joy to your life. The health of those relationships, however, all depends on what you do with them.
What All Relationships Have In Common Is If You Don't Actively Work On Them, They Will Fall Apart Or Fade Away.
I did this in my marriage before I recognized I needed to give my relationships the priority they deserved. It wasn't until I found Alyse, my better half, that I truly wanted to change how I approached my relationships. The keyword here is priority… that requires identifying negative behaviors and actions and then implementing the change needed.
Understanding that and admitting it is the first step to being able to make those changes. When I met Alyse at a pool in Florida, we hit it off. At the time, I was still working in Southern California, and her base was in New York City. Bicoastal relationships are challenging, but the effort we both put in made the first few months fun and full of learning. As the months grew to years, the distance became something we needed to address. We discussed her moving out to the West Coast or me finding a different job with the NHL in an agreed-upon city. Although talking and making plans was good, I needed to change fundamentally to make this relationship work.
I Needed To Make Alyse a Priority In My Life Above My Age-Old Priority: My Career.
I had to take responsibility for our relationship and not assume it would all work out with my partner bending around to my way of doing things. We started setting uninterrupted time together. We put the cell phones away, and we were so in tune with each other that we got lost in those times. Sometimes it might have only been an hour or two, but they were so crucial in fostering our relationship along.
I remember the words I heard at a wedding once. Whoever was officiating the ceremony said that marriage wasn't 50-50. It was 100-100. Each person in the relationship had to give 100% of what they had at any given moment in order to make the relationship work. Sometimes that varies based on the day and circumstances, but it needs to average out to 100%.
When I finally understood this concept, Alyse and I created a relationship that works, thrives, and continues to grow. It certainly became a foundation for me to hang onto when I went through my career upheaval and had to leave the NHL. We had a smoother transition than we would have had otherwise, and I was able to leave that part of my career behind me. It also led to the stability I needed to think through High Performance Living. Having a healthy relationship helped me to make the connection that, besides committing myself to have a relationship work, I had to take that same mindset to all my other pillars. I am responsible for making them thrive in my life, as you are with yours.
When most people think of a relationship, the first type that comes to mind is a loving, romantic one. Brene Brown provides deep insight on love, vulnerability and relationships in general, as she explains that love is one of the most profound emotions known to human beings.
There are many kinds of love, but many people seek its expression in a romantic relationship with a compatible partner. For many, romantic relationships comprise one of the most meaningful aspects of life, providing a source of deep fulfillment. The need for human connection appears to be innate — but the ability to form healthy, loving relationships is learned.
Failed relationships happen for many reasons, and that failure is often a source of great psychological and emotional anguish. Most people have to consciously work to master the skills necessary to make relationships endure and flourish.
The cliché, “you can't take your relationship for granted,” fits well. You have to actively work on your relationships. If you have a significant other in your life, are you putting in the same effort as you did when you were dating?
When we meet someone, it's like planting a seed. If you don't give a seed the proper water and sunlight, it isn't going to grow. If you're attentive as the plant begins to form, but you stop nurturing it, eventually it'll die. Even a plant in full bloom is going to suffer and whither if you don't keep up with its care.
Healthy relationships are generally marked by a sense of fairness, emotional as well as physical. Partners in strong relationships also feel grateful for one another, openly provide and receive affection, and engage in honest discussions about sex.
In healthy relationships, partners afford their significant other the benefit of the doubt, which creates a sense of being on the same team in life. That feeling, maintained over the long term, can help couples overcome many difficulties and create stability. Keeping short accounts and forgiving each other establishes a strong foundation of unconditional love.
Besides your romantic relationship, this applies to your friendships, business associates, colleagues, and family members too. Also, recognize that not all relationships are forever. They might exist for a couple of years, a season, or even shorter. That's going to happen. You can simply outgrow a relationship, or people move away. Sometimes we may need to prune some relationships out of our lives for various reasons, so we can blossom in other areas.
It was tough for me during all the years I spent in athletics. Whether as a player or strength coach, I was quick to develop good relationships with my teammates, players, and coaches. It's a brutal business when coaches and management are always looking for someone faster, stronger, and better than what they have on the ice already. So sometimes relationships were superficial because you didn't know how long you would be together. I'm sure other professions may experience similar turnover. If so, then you have to prepare yourself for the reality that your work relationships may be short and make them great while you have them. Again, all good relationships need to be supported.
For every pillar, but especially the Pillar of Relationships, avoid procrastination. “When the busy season is over, we'll go out more.” Or the famous, “When the kids are grown and out of the house, we'll get to do more things together.” What are you going to do if they never leave? Then you have several relationships to work on. The time is now.
As You Answer The Questions Here At The End Of The Article, Think About How Your Life Would Be If You Decrease The Strife And Grief In Your Critical Relationships.
1. List those relationships you consider your most important.
2. What emotional word do you use when to describe each relationship — joy,
passion, anger, etc.?
3. What relationships do you consider secure and unwavering?
4. What relationships do you feel need help?
5. On the problem relationships, write down what you think the issues are that prevent the relationship from becoming stronger?
6. Have you ever communicated with the other person in the relationship that you perceive a problem? If so, what was their response?
7. If you didn't say anything yet, write down what you would like to tell them.
8. When has a broken or wounded relationship adversely affected you in other aspects of your life?
9. How do your non-negotiable values fit into your relationships?
10. Pick at least one or two of your relationships that need work (you can pick all of them if you feel inspired) and put into your calendar the steps you are going to take to improve them.
