Own Your Self-Care
There's an old Yiddish expression that translates to, “Man plans; God laughs.”
We Can Have the Best Education, the Sharpest Mind, the Strongest Network, the Deepest Determination, and Things Still Might Not Unfold As We Planned.
The human psyche is fragile. S. G. Thomas says in Psychiatric Services that emotional fragility is extremely different from emotional sensitivity. Sensitivity is a quality you might have. Meanwhile, fragility is a lack of resources for managing your most complex internal states. There are a lot of people who try to normalize their emotional fragility. They make the excuse it's just how they live their life. We're experts at making excuses and wearing masks. You might not even realize you're emotionally sensitive or fragile until a series of events triggers the fragility.
When most people think of a hockey player, they think tough. If they hear “goalie,” they believe the person is even tougher, or crazy to block solid pieces of rubber coming at a hundred miles an hour. I thought no differently, and it took a series of events—a suicide attempt, divorce, and being relieved of my duties with the Ducks—for me to see a completely different side of myself. When my wife left and I had addictions to fight, it was sheer determination and resiliency that helped me get back on track, in addition to seeking help from coaches and therapists. There's tremendous value in talking to a trained therapist. I recognized for the first time that I had major self-esteem issues, vulnerability issues, and pretty much a whole lot of trouble feeling good about myself. In hindsight, my first experience with therapy was the intro class. I got my advanced courses as I returned for more appointments.
You don't have to be in a crisis to seek out therapy; it can be a healthy proactive approach if you're facing a problem or a multitude of them in your life. Sometimes talking to a neutral party is an advantage because they have no preconceived ideas about you. You end up going on a journey of discovery together as you unpack what you're dealing with and make a plan to move forward.
I discovered something very important during the counseling process, especially the second time around:
I Am Responsible For My Own Happiness.
This realization led to the Pillar of Self-Care.
Wellness has to do with exercise, nutrition, sleep, and anything else that sustains good health. Self-care is protecting your emotional health, minimizing your stress, and enjoying activities important to you.
When I started pondering the Self-Care pillar, I recalled something I learned in a time-management session at Craig Ballantyne's retreat. We were in the middle of creating our schedule and he said, “Before you fill out your calendar with work appointments, kid activities, doctor visits, and all that stuff, put your highest priority task and yourself in your calendar first because if you don't, it's too easy to have it pushed aside.” You are important. If you don't take care of yourself, nobody else is going to. Self-care includes what you do to hit the reset button and recharge.
This really resonated with me. At the time of the Anaheim Ducks' incident, I had met Alyse and I didn't want to self-sabotage that relationship. This is the one pillar I had to force myself to work the hardest on because I had many bad habits and behaviors I needed to change. I truly wanted to help others in whatever I did.
But, I Had to Help Myself First.
So, how do you decide what your plan looks like? Make a list. Dream big and come up with ideas in time increments ... what do you like to do that takes an hour, three hours, half a day, all day, a week, etc.
Include variety; you can mix it up. Anything goes. But, playing golf in January in New Hampshire might not be the best thing to schedule for yourself. Though, with climate change, who knows. Maybe you don't have the time to take a four-hour walk on the beach, but you have an hour to grab a massage.
You Should Always Be Open to Spontaneous Opportunities For Self-Care.
If a friend calls you, you know you'll end up laughing, so speak with him or her. If you get a good chuckle out of your conversation, that's a bonus. Laughter is truly the best medicine and being open to that will give you a significant boost at any time of the day.
Besides the little things, you also have think about the bigger self-care options. Everyone should try to take a vacation at least once a year. It could be a long weekend, a week, two weeks in Europe, whatever.
I remember when the last Summer Olympics were on TV. There was a commercial for a luxury car where the actor was saying how we work hard in America, and we don't care about things like a vacation. I realize now how he nailed a fundamental truth about too many high achievers. They were successful in their work to the detriment of other segments of their life.
Dr. Marika Lindholm, a sociologist who specializes in helping people focus on wellness and self-care, says, “Some employees identify so strongly with their work that they are compelled to work all the time. Increasing efficacy on the job provides feelings of self-worth that they don't get anywhere else because they are working all the time and it becomes an addictive cycle. It's up to employers to set the tone by encouraging employees to take time off and, of course, take vacations themselves.”
Dr. Lindholm says that signs of work addiction include not “feeling alive or worthy” unless you're working, losing sight of non-work related passions and hobbies, neglecting self-care rituals like exercising, and working through meals or feeling anxious or guilty when you're not working. Your family and friends may even comment on your increased workload, and your relationships may suffer until a change is made.
There is one area of self-care that is a little different than we have discussed so far. It is giving back. When we get involved in an organization or a charity, we give of ourselves, our talent, our time and energy, and the return on our investment are incalculable; it is a fundamental element of our core.
Simon Sinek talks about the effect of oxytocin in our brain with the “give back effect.” The more we give our time and energy to a cause and a person, the more oxytocin (the feel-good drug) is produced in our brain. If we give someone twenty dollars on the street corner, we may feel good for a moment, but no time or energy has been spent. If we go to the orphanage and paint for a Saturday, or serve a holiday meal, we have given our time and energy and that effect is longer lasting.
Look for something that matters to you. If you like working with kids or the elderly or animals, find a group that caters to that clientele. If you enjoy sports, consider coaching. If you enjoy teaching, become a tutor. You're only limited by your passions and your imagination.
As you go through these questions and exercises in this chapter, if it's difficult for you to do things that put you first, help you rejuvenate, and make you more productive in all the other pillars, be careful of one thing — you might actually find yourself enjoying it.
Questions to Master Your Self-Care
1. What do you do now for your self-care?
2. What would you like to do for your self-care?
3. How many times during the week are you comfortable plugging in times and activities just for you? (While there is usually no right or wrong answer to these end-of-chapter questions, “none” is a wrong answer here.)
4. What emotion did you experience as you first started reading about the
Pillar of Self-Care? How about when you finished the chapter?
5. Make a list of the different stresses in your life.
6. How would downtime or a self-care activity help you deal with those stresses?
7. If you could take a two-week vacation starting next week, where would you go and what would you do at that destination?
8. Do you utilize all your allotted vacation time?
9. Do you see where you can have a self-care activity help you strengthen one of your other pillars?
10. How do your values dove-tail with your understanding of self-care?
